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Review: The Courage to Be Disliked explores the theories of lesser-known psychologist Alfred Adler on finding happiness and fulfilment. Presented as a dialogue between a young man and a philosopher, the book unpacks Adler’s ideas over five nights of discussion. While the dialogue format didn’t appeal to me, the concepts made this book worth reading for anyone interested in personal growth.
My key takeaways:
- Focus on horizontal relationships based on equality rather than vertical ones based on superiority.
- Life is not a linear progression but rather a series of moments to be seized.
- Live each moment fully, like dancing, rather than always striving for distant goals.
- Life has no inherent meaning – we alone can assign meaning and purpose.
Good read!
How I Came Across This Book: My colleague Tommy!
excerpts:
No no matter how much knowledge you gain, your disposition or personality isn’t going to basically change. […] The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment. Adlerian psychology is not a “psychology of possession” but a “psychology of use.”
Are You Okay Just As You Are?
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems—they are living other people’s lives. This is a point that must be emphasised. […]
Braggarts Have Feelings of Inferiority
Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no condence in themselves. As Adler clearly indicates, “The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority.”
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
We are not the same, but we are equal. Everyone is different. Don’t mix up that difference with good and bad, and superior and inferior. Whatever differences we may have, we are all equal.
Life Is Not a Competition
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Let’s learn a way to settle things without using the emotion of anger. Because after all, anger is a tool. A means for achieving a goal.
Admitting Faults is Not Defeat
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
When trying to be recognised by others, almost all people treat satisfying other people’s expectations as the means to that end. And that is in accordance with the stream of thought of reward-and-punishment education that says one will be praised if one takes appropriate action. [..] Do not behave without regard for others. To understand this, it is necessary to understand the idea in Adlerian psychology known as “separation of tasks.”
Do Not Live to Satisfy the Expectations of Others
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
One does not intrude on other people’s tasks. In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically.
How to Separate Tasks
There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made?
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Carrying out the separation of tasks connects to building good relations of cooperation and harmony. This leads to the concept of “horizontal relationships.” In contrast, the act of praise involves passing judgment from someone with ability to someone without it. Whether praise or rebuke, the goal is manipulation, not true cooperation.
Chapter: Do Not Rebuke or Praise
in Adlerian psychology, the Encouragement Approach advocates assisting others through horizontal relationships and separation of tasks, using encouragement rather than praise or rebuke, to help them accomplish their own tasks and develop their abilities.
Chapter: The Encouragement Approach
The most important thing is to not judge other people. “Judgment” is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude and respect and joy.
How to Feel You Have Value
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept “this me” just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.
Not Self-Affirmation— Self-Acceptance
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Do not treat Life as a line. Think of life as a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line drawn with chalk, you will discover that what you thought was a line is actually a series of small dots. Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of moments. Life is a series of moments called “now.” We can live only in the here and now. Our lives exist only in moments. Adults who do not know this attempt to impose “linear” lives onto young people. Their thinking is that staying on the conventional tracks— good university, big company, stable household—is a happy life. But life is not made up of lines or anything like that.
Life Is a Series of Moments
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Life in general has no meaning. Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.
Alfred Adler
Let’s dance in earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past, and do not look at the future. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations. As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere.
Give Meaning to Seemingly Meaningless Life
The Courage to Be Disliked by by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
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